kelly brook in a bikini is one hot piece of action

May 31, 2007 | Filed Under Kelly Brook

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JESUS MURPHY

i don’t have any dirt on kelly so i’ll just share the pics with you. she looks mightay fine during her calendar photo shoot, here you go! there’s even more after the jump. you can love me later, get to the pics

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my new girlfriend emily scott

May 31, 2007 | Filed Under Emily Scott

bewbbeeez

FHM took some snaps of my new girlfriend, UK model (or whatever) Emily Scott for their July 07 issue. Just looking at these pictures is giving me a lot less dangle.

I had this dream where I flew on a plane to the UK to meet Emily. She turned out to be this voracious cokehead who just wanted to hoover up all the booze in sight and then throw dishes at me like some sort of bar wench. After our fight, she stormed out, jumped in her Mercedes and managed to somehow crash it into a tree.

Then these little green dudes came down from the planet Zorg and demanded that because of my Adonis-like looks and huge phallus I would return to their planet with them and impregnate their females. Well, it turns out they all looked like Emily so I was pretty well set!

Ok, that’s all a crock of shit. BUT YOU READ ALL OF IT, DIDN’T YOU!! HAHA SUCKER

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there’s room at the hilton

May 31, 2007 | Filed Under Paris Hilton

NICE BED

not much, though. enough for our beloved slender blonde lovetunnel to bang a guard or two, though. it sure looks comfortable… makes me wonder why i sleep on a futon when i could be in jail sleeping on that bad boy.

good luck paris! we’ll all be waiting for you to make millions selling your stories of jail upon release. congratulations in advance, and the next time you smoke my pole, keep your teeth to yourself.

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Video: marilyn manson is a complete fucking tool

May 31, 2007 | Filed Under Commentary, Video

here’s a video where he’s talking about hanging out with la lohan, seeing her absence of a muff, etc:

does anyone else want to smash this piece of crap in the face with a shovel, throw gas all over his nasty ass and shoot roman candles at him? dude – the whole rob zombie / gwar freak show bit is over. you had your 15 minutes and now you look like you belong under a PT Barnum tent with the twins that are attached at the head and that “little people” girl with the three boobs that gives amazing head.

so i hear

Popularity: 7% [?]

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Video: in case you hadn’t seen this allison stokke interview…

May 31, 2007 | Filed Under Allison Stokke, Video

…here it is.

in other news, the dude who was running www.allisonstokke.com has chickened out and threw in the towel, apologizing for the “unwanted attention”.

Allison – I doubt you will ever read this but if you do – YOU ARE NUTS IF YOU DON’T CAPITALIZE ON YOUR BEAUTY. THAT’S WHAT HOT GIRLS DO.

oh, and dump that total schlub you’re dating… if you haven’t already. trust me there’s a hot male celebrity that wants to spruce your nether regions with his… uh… spruce? fuck i need some sleep.

one more time for good measure: you can't see this photo enough.

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aliens have abducted britney spears

May 31, 2007 | Filed Under Britney Spears

WHO THE HELL IS THIS BAG LADY

and they’ve replaced her with some sort of kinda-homeless-looking bag lady. what the hell happened to the absolute goddess that had us all salivating when she wore that camel-toe red jumpsuit?

you know the one i’m talkin about. THIS ONE:

BLESS THE CAMEL

man, google image search is totally awesome. where else can you look up “britney spears camel toe” and find that picture? oh shit, everywhere. well fuck it, and fuck you.

more pix of hot mama brit are below. you sick perverts.

pix courtesy of flynet

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rose mcgowan morphing into michael jackson

May 30, 2007 | Filed Under Rose McGowan

AHHH MY EYES@(!*#(@

rose WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO YOUR FACE?!?!? seriously, it looks like someone drilled a hole in the back of her head and vacuumed her face backwards through her skull. i certainly hope she doesn’t think that this looks good, because she looks like shit. maybe her little thing with marilyn “waste of space” manson fucked her up more than we know.

rose, sweetheart, you used to be beautiful. quit fucking around with a good thing, eh?

courtesy of awfulplasticsurgery.com – which is a hilarious site. GO CHECK IT OUT, NOW

Popularity: 10% [?]

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rachel stevens still gives my willy the willies

May 30, 2007 | Filed Under Rachel Stevens

remember S-CLUB 7?? Because I sure as hell do – for one reason:

WOW

I used to sit through that crappy ass show just to see more and more of Rachel. She’s just so… so… strokatory. Here’s a bunch more pictures while I get the paper towels. I have no idea how I’m going to get THAT out of the macbook keyboard. ugh.