Angelina Jolie claims she’s only slept with four men; faints from blood rush to lengthening nose

September 19, 2007 | Filed Under Angelina Jolie

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angelina jolie likes sex

In today’s “file under crock of absolute shite” column, we have megaMILF Angelina Jolie claiming to Cosmo that she’s only been with four men. We’re thinking she meant “The most men I’ve been with at once is four”. From Metro:

Jolie told Cosmopolitan magazine she has only ’slept with four men in my life – and married two of them!’

She cites those men as Brad Pitt, former husbands Billy-Bob Thornton and Johnny Lee Miller and another nameless man. But in the past Jolie has confessed to casual affairs with close male friends and admitted to meeting suitors for raunchy hotel bed-sessions.

Earlier this year the Tomb Raider beauty also spoke about her knife sex sessions with an adolescent boyfriend saying: ‘I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn’t feel enough.’

Before her marriage to Thornton she says she had a bi-sexual relationship with actress, Jenny Shimizu.

This is so totally in the realm of the absurd that we had to air it out for the world to see. Angelina, baby… it’s no big deal that you like to get your hair pulled, munch carpet, get DP’d, whatever. Until you shrunk down to Skeletor size it was actually kind of hot to think about it.

Now, it’s kinda necrophiliac to think about it. I never thought I’d hear myself saying this to a woman but Angie… please put on some weight! Just a few pounds, mind. Don’t go all Rosie on us.

p.s. “Another Nameless Man” mentioned above = me. Suck it.

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Iraqis lock up their young as child-vacuum Angelina Jolie lands in Iraq to “visit refugees”

August 29, 2007 | Filed Under Angelina Jolie

angelina jolie

And just how long, Mrs. Jolie-Pitt or whatever your name is, do you expect us to believe you will be there “visiting refugees” without adopting any of them?? Seriously though, Angelina is still on the doing-good path as she fulfills her role as UN Goodwill Ambassador. Reuters has the dig:

Hollywood star Angelina Jolie on Tuesday traveled to Iraq and appealed for more international support for the millions of people uprooted by war and violence.

Jolie, who has been to more than 20 countries since becoming a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations refugee agency six years ago, visited a makeshift camp housing 1,200 people in Iraq and spent hours speaking with Iraqis now living in Damascus.

“I have come to Syria and Iraq to help draw attention to this humanitarian crisis and to urge governments to increase their support for UNHCR and its partners,” the actress said in a statement released by the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees.

“It is absolutely essential that the ongoing debate about Iraq’s future includes plans for addressing the enormous humanitarian consequences these people face,” she said.

You go, girl! Braving a country as full of strife as Iraq is just to spread some cheer… that takes real balls. And that’s why we write this weblog from the comfort of sleepy Canada. Ahem… we also have real balls. Just not flying to Iraq to write a weblog balls. More like “rolling down to 7-11 to score some Fuzzy Peach Slices” kinda balls.

Here’s the once-beautiful stick figurine doing whatever a goodwill ambassador does, which apparently involves listening to old people with hilarious dental issues rant on about the price of chickpeas. Joy!