TMZ released the 911 call to the Santa Monica Police Department that the woman who was being chased by Lindsay Lohan’s white SUV or pickup or whatever and of course, we bring this to you for your listening pleasure! Well…

…actually, we meant displeasure. Because the lady calling is a complete fucking lunatic and basically the transcript of the call says:

“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD OHMIGOD OOHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD we’re at wilshire and 4th OH MY GOD OHMY GOD OHH!!! MY GOD!!!! now we’re at 7th and santa monica OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDOHHHH MIGOD”

etc. It’s kind of funny because this batshit crazy lady is just the kind of material we could see Lindsay chasing after. So she could hit her in the face with a shovel.

Click here to listen to the 911 call (mp3 link, mp3 player required)

In other Lohan news, it turns out that she’s convinced the cocaine in her pants wasn’t hers – because they weren’t her pants. Of course, she was wearing them, but when you’ve got a crack legal team like the Lohan family surely does, that’s just a trivial footnote:

According to the Lohan camp:

* Lindsay was having a get together at her home. Several people will say she wasn’t drinking, that she didn’t even have a drink but at a certain point in the night, apparently, she fell off the wagon and did start drinking.

* When assistant Tarin Graham walked into the house, looking disheveled with teary red eyes, Lindsay was concerned that something had happened to her.

* There was some sort of altercation. Tarin either quit or Lindsay fired her. Tarin left and Lindsay followed.

* There were definitely two people in the car with Lindsay that night.

* Tarin’s mother apparently made a police call b/c she was afraid someone was chasing her.

* Right now, they don’t know who may have been chasing her. It could have been paparazzi.

* When the cops arrived, there were so many people in the parking lot that they automatically zeroed in on Lindsay. Apparently the altercation took place at about 1:30 in the a.m.

* Lindsay was strong-armed into taking a breathalyzer test. They say the cocaine was not Lindsay’s, she was wearing someone else’s pants.

* Dina got a call from Lindsay at about 5 a.m. and she was talking so fast Dina couldn’t even understand what she was saying … She was just like, ‘Mommy, mommy, mommy,’ and was very upset in the conversation.

* For the past two years, Dina’s been trying to get Lindsay to leave L.A. and come to N.Y. so she can be with all of her children.

* Obviously she’s been going through a tough time and it would be best for her to come to N.Y., be with her family right now, take some time off, get into a rehab center and basically give herself a chance to be healthy right now.

* They say her life is at risk. Lindsay suffers an addiction. It’s not about Lindsay’s career right now. It’s about saving her life.

* Dina and Lindsay have been talking every hour. They’re texting constantly; they’re on the phone.

* Not only does Dina have to deal with Lindsay’s crisis right now, but she also has to appear in a N.Y. court this Friday and Monday b/c she’s in a custody battle for all four of her children.

* Lindsay could be traveling from L.A. to N.Y. right now to possibly be admitted into rehab.

This family is a trailer trash dream come true. I mean seriously, it isn’t far off to imagine the whole fucking lot of them on an episode of Springer instead of this retarded drama that’s playing out on a daily basis. It’s almost too bad that Lindsay’s career is over, but it’s strangely ironic that we’re seeing her best work free of charge as she acts out her ridiculous life.

Yes, yes… Jon Lovitz beat up Andy Dick and since I post later in the day you’ve already read all about that. If you haven’t, I’ve recapped it below. BUT – did you hear Jon Lovitz on Dennis Miller’s radio show today setting the record straight and telling the story?

If not, dear reader… fear not. Here’s a copy for you to enjoy (flash audio player):

Here’s the story:

Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, “Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose.” Lovitz told Page Six, “All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole.”

Lovitz and Dick have been at loggerheads since a 1997 Christmas party at Hartman’s house, five months before his troubled wife Brynn flipped out, fatally shooting Hartman, then killing herself. “Andy was doing cocaine, and he gave Brynn some after she had been sober for 10 years. Phil was furious about it – and then five months later he’s dead,” said Lovitz, adding that when he filled in on Hartman’s “Newsradio” sitcom, “I told Andy, ‘I wouldn’t be here now if you hadn’t given Brynn that cocaine.’ ”

Last year, Lovitz related, a drunken Dick strolled up to his table at Ago in West Hollywood, rudely downed his guests’ peach liqueur drinks, and “looked at me and said, ‘I put the “Phil Hartman hex” on you – you’re the next one to die.’ I said, ‘What did you say?’ and he repeated it. I wanted to punch his face in, but I don’t hit women.”

Congrats to Jon Lovitz for being a man and disregarding the consequences of beating up a true douchebag. No one gives a crap about Andy Dick anyway. Let this be a lesson kids – don’t mess with Jon Lovitz.