Episode three starts out with Audrina telling Lauren about her plans with Justin Bobby, and that she’s never really had a boyfriend because of her commitment issues. Wait, stop. Audrina has never had a real boyfriend?? Before she unceremoniously booted us off her Facebook friends there was NO SHORTAGE of dudes who wanted to hook that shit up. She’s definitely not hurting for choices!

Lauren continues on with her sisterly nagging and while she’s trying to be the best friend she can, dishing out lines like “go with your gut but use your head” still sounds pretty condescending. LC herself has had her fair share of issues with guys and it’s clearly showing through.

Heidi manages to make it about three feet past Elodie before she gets busted with her new engagement ring on her finger, and shares the story of her romantic beach getaway with Spencer the weekend before. Heidi of course isn’t even thinking marriage, and kind of comes across as liking the idea of being engaged, but not married. Elodie drops the “don’t buy a wedding dress anytime soon” bomb, which of course makes total sense.

Continue reading by clicking the link below…

Then, for some strange reason, we’re treated to a few minutes of Brody and Spencer shopping, of all things. Spencer fills him in on how awesome it is to be engaged, with sweet quotes like “I used to think marriage was the dumbest thing for guys who couldn’t get laid” but “then you meet a girl like Heidi and it makes you realize you could spend your whole life with one girl and be happy”. Quite the about face there, dude.

Thankfully we don’t need to see them try anything on, they just leave with bags full of stuff.

Lauren tells Whitney all about her third wheel plans for tonight with Audrina and Justin Bobby, but the pinnacle of this whole scene is getting to see Whitney, because she’s looking better and better with each episode.

Heidi comes home to enjoy Spencer’s latest “gift” – a full-size Centipede arcade machine in their dining room. When Heidi suggests getting a table – “you know, to eat on, or something” – Spencer looks at her like she just poisoned his food. Nothing like living in a frat house, I suppose.

Lauren shows up at Bella to meet Justin Bobby and Audrina on their three-way date. Justin’s sick, apparently from lazying around all day. Then we get to enjoy Justin acting like an idiot, Lauren’s mandatory I’m-so-uncomfortable-here scene, and Justin joking that he’s secretly after Lauren and trying to get to her through Audrina. Lauren manages to get sisterly one last time before the break, telling Justin Bobby to ride his motorbike safely with Audrina.

FINALLY, we’re treated to a scene of nothing more than LC and Audrina laying around in bikinis. I can’t believe it took three episodes with the tans they have. Audrina spills that she’s kinda pissed that Justin Bobby was such a douche last night, which lights Lauren up that someone is finally heeding her advice about men. JB is quickly turning into the new Spencer, it seems. Audrina has no idea where she’s leaving things with Justin.

Back at H&S’s apartment, it turns out that Spencer has now installed an Area 51 machine and also Lethal Enforcers. I bet this dude’s buddies are all over trying to come and hang here to play retro arcade games. Spencer finally caves and admits that they might need things like dishes and cutlery but won’t budge on not needing a dining room table. I mean who would? Not when the dining room looks like an arcade from 1992, anyway.

Heidi: We don’t really make decisions together!
Spencer: They’re not decisions, they’re surprises!

WTF?!

cut to Pinkberry, which hasn’t really been around much yet this season. Lo and LC rap about the whole three-way-date, but what we’re noticing is that Lo looks great as well. All The Hills ladies are primping up for summer, and it shows.

Audrina decides to meet Justin Bobby after not calling him for a week, and puts the ultimatum down on him. Should she or shouldn’t she? His laissez faire attitude clearly penetrates her weak shields and she’s re-smitten before the scene is done. Wham, 2 minutes tops. This guy knows his bad boy / don’t care / etc. attitude game inside and out. Cue slow piano music.

And finally for the scene we’ve all been waiting for; Heidi starts taking her half of her life back and paints over the ridiculous graffiti “mural” in their living room, which drives Spencer absolutely nuts at his loss of control. He’s so livid for the entire three minutes of the scene that he can barely speak. But, in true pussification style, the show ends with him finishing the paint job that Heidi started.

All in, it was an okay episode, nothing great. It was nice to see Heidi grow a pair and enforce the fact that the two of them need to make decisions together, but of course it sucks that Audrina is still with Justin Bobby. And there wasn’t enough Whitney. Is there ever enough Whitney?!

Episode two starts out with Heidi and Captain Douche Spencer recapping the previous night’s showdown between Heidi and Lauren. Heidi still hasn’t figured out what Lauren’s issue is with her, and blames it on Lauren having issues with Spencer.

HEY DUMBASS, ANYONE WITH A BRAIN WOULD HAVE ISSUES WITH SPENCER

As Audrina primps for her date with Justin, we get a bit of background on the guy. He sounds like a real winner – while they were dating, they went to Las Vegas where he abandoned her. Hey, why wouldn’t she go on a date with the guy, right? Audrina assures Lauren that she’s only going on the date with him and then going out with the girls. By far the funniest part of this is that Lauren’s cat has a hilarious cat-sweater on. It’s pure comedy:

The episode just gets better. Spencer decides it would be a good idea to surprise Heidi with “some art”…

…but of course she isn’t down with having her living room look like a fucking frat house. She’s pretty pissed, but Spencer surprises her with a trip to Santa Barbara for the weekend.

Cut to Audrina’s date with Justin. THIS is Justin:

Are you kidding me? This guy looks like a cross between a French artist and Jude Law’s younger brother who the family disowned because he dressed like a French artist. Dude, grunge went out about 12-13 years ago. Audrina looks awesome, and without so much as hello they crack the wine and get at it. Monsieur Longhair can’t figure out the menu so he asks Audrina to order for him. Nice one, dude… you’re A-list material. He even lets her cut his steak for him… awesome.

Lauren and Lo are at home dissing the guy when Lauren drops the bomb that he’s trying to change his name to “Bobby” (since everyone calls him Bobby, duh) so they decide that he’s now “Justin Bobby”. (Read more on Justin Bobby here)

The second they get back, Lo starts ripping on Justin Bobby and he just kind of blows it off, all cool like. They head upstairs, and when they come down Audrina blows off Lauren and Lo to go out with Justin Bobby. Nice, considering she’s now given Justin Bobby the ticket meant for Lauren. Over breakfast Audrina tells Lauren that she’s going to give it a shot with Justin Bobby, and that she wants them all to hang out and get along. And folks, a new character is born. Welcome Justin Bobby!

The next scene is nothing short of awesome. Brody Jenner and Spencer driving along and BAM, Spencer tells Brody that he’s going to pop the question to Heidi at the beach house the next day. Brody basically laughs in his face, and at one point even calls him “homey”. These guys ham it up so much for the cameras that it’s worse than watching real actors. Either that or their script really sucks. Spencer even asks Brody to borrow his credit card to pay for the ring they’re going shopping for.

The guys head to ICE (which is the equivalent of friggin Claire’s) where Spencer picks out a ring that he makes out to be a massive diamond but actually ends up being an amethyst that’s worth a total of $2800. Brody even pays for the ring, and Spencer rips up the receipt to overdramatize it.

Heidi and Spencer head up to the beach house in Santa Barbara, while Lauren heads down to visit her mom in Laguna. They have one of those deep conversations – “LA is just a totally different place than the rest of the world” – and of course, we head back to see Douche propose to Heidi. He never actually asks, he just says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Of course, he has no idea what hand the ring goes on. NICE, DUMBASS. Then we have to sit through about three minutes of them both telling each other how awesome, amazing, loyal, loving, radical, sweet, funky, etc. they are.

All in all, a decent episode. I’m kinda glad they got the proposal out early so we can suffer through more of their engagement bliss bullshit for the rest of the season. Justin Bobby will be an entertaining new character to have around, especially since he’s so fucking emo. No Whitney this episode though… bummer.

Four words for you: How hot is AUDRINA? She’s looking fantastic and has definitely kept her ditzyness, a totally lethal combination. Whitney is looking awesome as well, and I think we’re going to see more of her this season.

The episode starts with Lauren showing up at her internship at Teen Vogue where Whitney has been hired on and is basically her boss. The Heidi and Lauren drama starts right away… Lauren fills Whitney in that she heard that Heidi and Spencer were propagating rumors about her – including the rumor that she had a sex tape out with her ex-boyfriend. Of course you’ll remember that this actually occurred – The Hills is as much reality show as it is youth drama. Lauren shares her obvious dislike for Heidi, and season three has begun.

Season Three is going to be heavily focused on the drama between Lauren and Heidi – or more specifically Heidi and Spencer. They’re moving in to their new apartment, and decide to have a housewarming party. Heidi decides it’s going to be a good idea to invite Lauren and Audrina, who are now roomies.

Heidi decides to pay a visit to Audrina in person, and we get to see Audrina’s new working digs at Epic Records. It’s clear right away that Audrina has pretty open disdain for Heidi as well, and their conversation is pretty lame and abrupt. Soon after Heidi leaves Audrina goes to blab to one of her co-workers. Lauren brings it up with Whitney over lunch, who isn’t going to the party either.

Next we move to Les Deux, a Hollywood nightclub. There is definitely going to be a lot of club scenes this season as Lauren is single and wants to be out on the scene. Audrina is a perfect match for her as she knows her way around the clubs. We sit through Spencer and Heidi’s party scene, and there’s a ton of people there. Lauren, meanwhile, is hooking up with a random British guy at Les Deux and getting nice and drunk.

The next morning, Audrina and Lauren suffer through their hangovers and swap stories from last night. Audrina went back to her ex-boyfriend Justin’s place until 6am – no shag though. Lauren made out with the British dude and she didn’t score either.

That night, at Frankie’s birthday all four of them end up at Les Deux, and Heidi decides to give Lauren a letter that she had written her. Lauren walks off to the bathroom, where Audrina finds her a few minutes later. They read the letter, which Audrina sums up with:

After Lauren leaves the bathroom, and after goading from Spencer, Heidi steps to Lauren and asks why she’s getting the cold shoulder. They get in a young girl yelling match, with Heidi yelling that she has no clue what she did to piss Lauren off and Lauren yelling that Heidi knows exactly what she did. Heidi denies starting the sex tape rumor, and they leave.

As they’re picking up lunch the next day we meet Elodie, Heidi’s co-worker at Bolthouse. They whine a bit about the night before and head to work.

Lauren dumps the whole story on Whitney, who seems either kinda bored or just sick of hearing about it. That’s a wrap!

Personally I think it was a great opener. We got intro’d pretty well to every main character and in typical MTV fashion they have great surroundings, cool venues (Epic Records, Les Deux, etc.) and beautiful women. And they have Spencer, who is going to quickly become one of the more well known people on the show as he alienates so many of the show’s fanbase. He truly comes off as a total Hollywood rich-boy…

Well done. We’ll have an episode two review up tomorrow.