FHM took some snaps of my new girlfriend, UK model (or whatever) Emily Scott for their July 07 issue. Just looking at these pictures is giving me a lot less dangle.

I had this dream where I flew on a plane to the UK to meet Emily. She turned out to be this voracious cokehead who just wanted to hoover up all the booze in sight and then throw dishes at me like some sort of bar wench. After our fight, she stormed out, jumped in her Mercedes and managed to somehow crash it into a tree.

Then these little green dudes came down from the planet Zorg and demanded that because of my Adonis-like looks and huge phallus I would return to their planet with them and impregnate their females. Well, it turns out they all looked like Emily so I was pretty well set!

Ok, that’s all a crock of shit. BUT YOU READ ALL OF IT, DIDN’T YOU!! HAHA SUCKER