Some lame medical clinic wants to save Lindsay Lohan’s life by running ads

September 26, 2007 | Filed Under Commentary, Lindsay Lohan

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don't die lindsay

Hey, Jugular. Pretty creative. And by creative, we mean lame. And by lame, we mean not even remotely “edgy” or whatever other buzzword you’re going for.

Now, if it said DON’T DIE HITLER or perhaps DON’T DIE AHMADNIDEDADNEHAJNIDAD or however the fuck his name is spelled… that might evoke the response you’re looking for.

Scott Lackey, Co-Founder/Strategic Director of Jugular, said “Our client, Canterbury Institute, has an outpatient medical approach to drug addiction that makes overnight ‘residential’ treatment centers unnecessary. Sadly, this is an age where rehab has become a revolving door.”

It’s also an age where boring ass ads like this one are a dime a dozen. Time to get a new creative director.

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Apparently Lindsay Lohan is broke. HAHAHAHA!!!

September 4, 2007 | Filed Under Lindsay Lohan

lindsay lohan is a cokehead idiot

Normally we don’t report much on the rehab socialite known as Lindsay Lohan, frankly because we couldn’t give a flying shit about some cokehead ginger wench. However, Popcrunch caught our eye today with this news:

“Lindsay, 21, resorted to begging, the sources, say, because her manager mom, Dina, has temporarily cut her off from what’s left of the fortune she made starring in hit films like Mean Girls and Freaky Friday.

“Dina must think Lohan is a serious addict, and she’s afraid if she gives her even $20, she’ll run out and buy drugs and booze,” says an insider close tot he family…

“Lindsay wants money – what she calls ‘cake’ – now,” says a source. She’s even asked guys she’s only met two or three times to hand over $10,000. That’s what she always asks for: 10K.”

Among the celebs Lindsay’s tried to hit up are 50 Cent and Music producer Damon Dash, the source reveals.

She’s also turned to former flames Steve-O, That 70’s Show’s Wilmer Valderamma and British Model Calum Best. She keeps getting turned down, but one music industry insider confesses that he did fall victim to her charms.

“When Lindsay asked me, after her second arrest, I kind of laughed because she’s a big movie star, right? Why does she need money from me?” the industry insider asks. “She explained her money was ‘tied up.’ She wasn’t even nice about it. She said ‘I’m good for it, I’ll make a huge comeback. I am, after all, the most famous person on the planet right now!’”

Tell you what, Lindsay. Us here at downity.com will fork out $10,000 for you to move to somewhere in the Maldives and get your brain wiped out so that you never remember how to return home and bother us again.

It’s amazing how a freckly redhead that’s maybe a 6.5 or 7/10 can get so arrogant that she thinks she’s the most “famous person on the planet”. Lindsay, just FYI there’s about four or five billion people that have never heard of your stanky ass. Get fucked. For those of you with that sick freckles fetish, here’s some pics. Enjoy!

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Lindsay Lohan is set to record her third album. Wait… THIRD album?!?

August 21, 2007 | Filed Under Lindsay Lohan

lindsay lohan rehab pictures

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab and apparently doing well – which is what she needs. The word is that she’s setting up to drop her third album (which she’s under contract to throw down on Universal). Here’s the dish:

“Lindsay loves music,” a friend tells us. “She loves writing songs.” Her track “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)” grew out of her tormented relationship with dad Michael Lohan.

Lindsay is certainly less of a gamble as a singer. “A record by Lindsay Lohan costs almost nothing to make,” says one exec. “She doesn’t need a big band. You just give her some songs and session musicians. And, God knows, she already has name recognition.”

The music business traditionally tolerates � make that glorifies � its addled artists. Look at the late, great Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Sid Vicious and Kurt Cobain. (Not to draw any grim comparisons, Lindsay.)

“Tommy Mottola knows how to handle divas,” says a source, noting that the former Sony Music chairman’s wives have included Mariah Carey and Thalia.

But lately, relations between Mottola and Lohan are said to have cooled. (He didn’t return our calls.) And others at Universal Music are approaching her cautiously.

“As much as she wants to make another album,” says one insider, “the feeling is she needs to get herself cleaned up. Then we can talk about it.”

Well there Tommy Motorola you better be ready to handle a diva because unless this stint in rehab cleans Lindsay up, there’s no telling what she’ll do next. One could imagine her hooking up with Amy Winehouse to go on a partying binge that would have the spirit of Jimi Hendrix coming down from wherever he is to give them a live PSA about drug use.

If she just stuck to smoking the green, she’d be fine. Those fucking cokeheads though… they’re all alike. Losers. Here’s our lil’ reforming cokehead at rehab, riding her bicycle.

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OH SNAPS! Paris Hilton’s front gate fires a volley at Lindsay “Rehab x3″ Lohan

August 16, 2007 | Filed Under Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton

lindsay lohan wanted poster lol

Someone (that most likely wasn’t Paris Hilton) has posted the above hilarious “Lost Dog” flyer on Paris’ front gate, according to JJ:

The poster reads (in case you’re completely fucking blind, or viewing this on a mobile phone as just over 1% of our readers do):

�LOST DOG � HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Age: 3 in dog years
Weight: Anorexic
Eyed: Dilated
Coat: Spotted/Freckled
Breed: Freckle-Bellied Cokewhore Terrier

My dog was last seen on the morning of July 24, 2007 chasing cars in Santa Monica. She will answer to the call of: Lilo, L Squared, Lo Hoe and Dime Bags, 2 for 10 dollars. She was also last seen carrying her favorite boys: a little white bag we call her �doggy bag� ad her favorite black ankle bracelet. Please come home!

MISSING

If you have any information, please call – (310) 555-NOHOPE or go to www.myspace.com/dirtyagenda

All the change in my couch will be offered for the information leading to the safe return of my dog.�

What do you want to bet with the amount of dudes climbing on top of her on the couch that Paris could find around $200 in change in there? Now if we could just find Adrien Grenier, we could find Paris to ask if she put up this poster…

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Lindsay Lohan is in Utah, in rehab, getting spray-on tans and working out at Gold’s

August 16, 2007 | Filed Under Lindsay Lohan

lindsay lohan rehab picture

You know what? Screw writing this story. Here’s a summary:

Lindsay is in rehab in Utah.
Above is her picture.
She got a spray-on tan yesterday.

Wake us up when this wench is back on the scene and serving time for all of her stupidity. At least then there’ll be something to cover. Until then!

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VIDEO: Lindsay Lohan vs. David Hasselhoff

August 3, 2007 | Filed Under David Hasselhoff, Lindsay Lohan, Video

This is the funniest video you will see today, hands down. Have a watch and get some pre-weekend giggles!

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AUDIO: The 911 call that got Lindsay Lohan busted again. Oh and apparently the whole thing is a giant misunderstanding

July 26, 2007 | Filed Under Audio, Lindsay Lohan

lindsay lohan pictures

TMZ released the 911 call to the Santa Monica Police Department that the woman who was being chased by Lindsay Lohan’s white SUV or pickup or whatever and of course, we bring this to you for your listening pleasure! Well…

…actually, we meant displeasure. Because the lady calling is a complete fucking lunatic and basically the transcript of the call says:

“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD OHMIGOD OOHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD we’re at wilshire and 4th OH MY GOD OHMY GOD OHH!!! MY GOD!!!! now we’re at 7th and santa monica OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDOHHHH MIGOD”

etc. It’s kind of funny because this batshit crazy lady is just the kind of material we could see Lindsay chasing after. So she could hit her in the face with a shovel.

Click here to listen to the 911 call (mp3 link, mp3 player required)

In other Lohan news, it turns out that she’s convinced the cocaine in her pants wasn’t hers – because they weren’t her pants. Of course, she was wearing them, but when you’ve got a crack legal team like the Lohan family surely does, that’s just a trivial footnote:

According to the Lohan camp:

* Lindsay was having a get together at her home. Several people will say she wasn’t drinking, that she didn’t even have a drink but at a certain point in the night, apparently, she fell off the wagon and did start drinking.

* When assistant Tarin Graham walked into the house, looking disheveled with teary red eyes, Lindsay was concerned that something had happened to her.

* There was some sort of altercation. Tarin either quit or Lindsay fired her. Tarin left and Lindsay followed.

* There were definitely two people in the car with Lindsay that night.

* Tarin’s mother apparently made a police call b/c she was afraid someone was chasing her.

* Right now, they don’t know who may have been chasing her. It could have been paparazzi.

* When the cops arrived, there were so many people in the parking lot that they automatically zeroed in on Lindsay. Apparently the altercation took place at about 1:30 in the a.m.

* Lindsay was strong-armed into taking a breathalyzer test. They say the cocaine was not Lindsay’s, she was wearing someone else’s pants.

* Dina got a call from Lindsay at about 5 a.m. and she was talking so fast Dina couldn’t even understand what she was saying … She was just like, ‘Mommy, mommy, mommy,’ and was very upset in the conversation.

* For the past two years, Dina’s been trying to get Lindsay to leave L.A. and come to N.Y. so she can be with all of her children.

* Obviously she’s been going through a tough time and it would be best for her to come to N.Y., be with her family right now, take some time off, get into a rehab center and basically give herself a chance to be healthy right now.

* They say her life is at risk. Lindsay suffers an addiction. It’s not about Lindsay’s career right now. It’s about saving her life.

* Dina and Lindsay have been talking every hour. They’re texting constantly; they’re on the phone.

* Not only does Dina have to deal with Lindsay’s crisis right now, but she also has to appear in a N.Y. court this Friday and Monday b/c she’s in a custody battle for all four of her children.

* Lindsay could be traveling from L.A. to N.Y. right now to possibly be admitted into rehab.

This family is a trailer trash dream come true. I mean seriously, it isn’t far off to imagine the whole fucking lot of them on an episode of Springer instead of this retarded drama that’s playing out on a daily basis. It’s almost too bad that Lindsay’s career is over, but it’s strangely ironic that we’re seeing her best work free of charge as she acts out her ridiculous life.

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Lunch Quickie: The Lohan Update

July 24, 2007 | Filed Under Lindsay Lohan

In the famous words of Jack Bauer I HAVEN’T GOT MUCH TIME so here’s a quickie update:

1) Lindsay’s arraignment is set for August 24th at 8:30. Luckily for all us Lohan junkies covering this – it’s the exact same day she’s due in Beverly Hills court to be arraigned for her Memorial Day weekend DUI / Mercedes cash / coke bender / etc. All in the same day makes it easy!

2) You may have heard that the vehicle she was chasing after this morning was her assistant Jenni Muro. However, according to TMZ that’s a crock of shit:

TMZ has learned that it was Lindsay’s second assistant who was on the scene, and from what our sources tell us, she had been relieved of her duties last night — exactly why, we’re not sure.

3) Lindsay could earn herself anywhere from 0 to 6 years in jail. Her two DUIs carry a max of 1 year each, and the cocaine possession is 3 years. Now remember, the two DUIs are being judged in separate courts so not much chance of her piling the charges all together and getting a package deal. Expect 30+ days for the 1st DUI, probably the same for the latest DUI and suspended licence and she’ll likely get the hammer for the coke charge. I’m guessing she eats at least a year for this.

4) She’s back in rehab. Although not at promises, which our homeys at The Superficial point out has never actually cured anyone of anything. We agree that Promises Malibu is likely a used car dealership.

“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

5) If you were hoping to catch Lindsay on tonight’s Tonight Show – she’s obviously not going to be there.

Lindsay Lohan won’t be appearing on “The Tonight Show” this evening, the late-night chat show got the next best thing — Rob Schneider in drag!

Schneider has agreed to the last minute booking and will sit on Jay Leno’s couch dressed liked Lindsay Lohan. Panties and SCRAM bracelet optional!

That’s all for now. Stay tuned a bit later today for shocking news that Britney Spears’ fragile life/emotions/etc. have once again exploded…

Update: forgot one. Turns out that Lindsay has been so hard up for cash lately that she’s been hitting up X17 to sell pictures of herself:

In recent days, Lindsay has been desperate for cash … the 21 year-old had offered to “sell” photos to X17 to the tune of $30,000! Linds had been calling and texting numerous members of Team X17 over the past week, trying to organize a way to get some money and she’s been in touch with other pap agencies as well.

This is why you should stay off the drugs, kids.

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